The beauty in brokenness.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014 —


I think this is my most personal blog post... yet. 




2014

It's so hard to describe a year that gave you so much highs and lows. Even last NYE, my salubong at home got sorta ruined when a person's car (that was parked outside my house) got bumped. Imagine after happily eating media noche, we see the side of his car shattered. What an unexpected turn of events. Mixed emotions during the first few hours of 2014 that continued throughout the whole year. I should've taken that as a sign that my 2014 will be a year full of breakdowns and breakthroughs.

January

The Battle

I think this month was the hardest. Ended 2013 with a heavy heart and welcomed the year with more tribulations. This situation was definitely new to me. It got pretty intense I don't even want to remember every single detail. I had to choose and I chose eros over philia. Every freaking day felt like it came out straight from a drama film. Being negatively labeled by people who don't know me and just accepting it because I know I was at fault. It drained me. Everything was supposed to be happy and easy, not dark and hard. A month full of fears, fights, and firsts.

February

Perplexity

Thought January was already difficult but no. Everything became tougher and befuddling. Aside from the present problem, a ghost from my past somehow crawled back into my life. Closure. It was heartbreaking to let go of someone who will do everything for you, but I had to be fair and make him stop... waiting. I was his first choice, but he weren't mine. This certain closure triggered my doubts about another person. Everything became a blur. My negative emotions were heightened and the situation was turning me into a monster. I remember asking myself every single day if I still have the heart to fight for it. I remember those last few days before I left for the US: Three wondrous days of healing... or so I thought. Seriously believed it was going to be a new beginning. But I didn't realize it was going to be the beginning of the end.

March

White flag

When I left, I promised things; but like what they always say... promises are meant to be broken. After a week in the US, I realized I don't want to keep fighting for something that doesn't feel right anymore. I have a switch button and once I've reached my saturation point... I'm done. It wasn't an easy decision, to be honest. I had a breakdown every single time I thought of what I'm going to say and how my life would be like after the severing... But I had to do it. Of course, I've never been good with words when it comes to goodbyes. I'm sorry. I really wanted to stay but I needed to leave. Some people said I gave up too easily. But if they only knew what I had to go through for that? I think I've reached the pinnacle of it. 

Oh the pain of leaving. The aftershock surprised me. It was horrendously melancholic and the inevitable coldness of the winter season merged with my emotions creeped under my skin like it wanted to freeze everything inside me. I wanted to be numb. I couldn't take the shivering every time my brain replayed things. All my mornings in New York were spent in a church just bawling my eyes out, fighting the urge to apologize and take back what I said. "Don't look back" became my mantra. Afternoons were filled with an excessive need for distraction; park strolls and countless hours in the library/bookstores and museums. And during the night when the desolation intensified, I ran to my friends who did everything just to make me happy. 

April

Recovery

April was the beginning of spring. Season-wise and in my heart. I've always had a question in my mind what pushed me to do the 2-month sabbatical. Didn't know God's greater plan before all these but He surely created the perfect timing. I spent the first few weeks of April traveling around California with my highschool bestfriend, Joven. She was my number 1 person. We became bestfriends when we were 15 so she saw me go through my puppy love craziness and my first real heartbreak.  She knew exactly how to help me deal with my most afflictive one. Remembering April puts a smile on my face. I think the only sad thing about it was when I went to San Francisco and saw things that weakened me for a while... to the point I got physically sick. -_- Thank God I had the best nurse (my bestfriend) and the best doctors (her parents) who patiently took care of me :) 

After all those Cali roadtrips, I flew to Arizona, Florida and Chicago to spend time with my family. God made me realize how blessed I was. Sure, I was having some problems but He made me forget all those. Focus on the positive, focus on the now. Being surrounded by your family is the best thing ever. Before the month ended, I had to go back to Manila. Such a bittersweet ending.

May 

The Relapse

I knew I had to face one of my greatest fears but I didn't expect it to be that fast. I knew all along that going there was a wrong idea. But hard-headed me did and well, let's just say that moment did toughen me up so hard. I KNEW IT. All the remorse I felt for leaving just went down the drain. Maybe I did that person a favor. Although it was a relapse, I didn't have tears for it. I mean, how could I cry over something already gone? It was pointless. My mind was filled with vacation memories and my heart was filled with love that my friends relentlessly gave me. So many things happened to the point it made me question myself, my values, and my decisions in life. Messy head but just like the past months, I kept swimming through all these challenges. Sink or swim, it's my choice. It was time to accept the fact I lost... Uno. Dos. Tres. No closure, no apologies. It was time to forget.


June & July

Back to Reality

After 3 months of fighting for happiness, I finally woke up from a seemingly unending nightmare! Back to regular programming. My life was filled with work (magazine/tvc styling and blog stuff), travels (went to Balesin for the first time!) and more bonding dates with my closest friends (thank you Lord for my support system) :) I think these were the most steady months of my 2014. I was too focused on work so I stopped minding everything around me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I became a hermit, just spending my free time sleeping or watching Korean drama. Haha!  

August

Rediscovery

I craved for more adventures so I let myself be thrown in a life full of travels and spontaneity. I've always liked planning but the thrill of not knowing what's next excites me so much! Life is beautiful. August had a few bumps but I don't want to highlight that. This month was the time God gave me someone who made me believe in butterflies again. Someone who showered me the kind of respect and importance I needed to push me to believe that there's still a bigger, better, and greater love out there... that's right for me. But then reality hit me that I still needed to fix myself; that I don't need to depend on anyone for my happiness. I've hurt a lot of people in the past... not this time.

September

Saved

Probably the month that created the biggest impact in my life. I've always had a strong faith in the Lord but my relationship with him was stagnant. I took Him for granted. I knew He's always going to be there for me so I forgot Him during the times I should've run to Him. I became too independent to the point I forgot about His greatness. One weekend in September when I felt like a blackhole of negative emotions was sucking the life out of me, my church friend asked me if I wanted to go to a retreat. It has been years since I last attended one. For some surreal reason, I dropped all my work and went there. Every session and discipleship meeting enlightened me. I've always felt incomplete and that weekend, I finally found the missing piece. This is what I've been searching for. The feeling was indescribable. I went through deliverance and I was SAVED


October

Test of Faith

After the retreat, they told us not to be too relaxed because there will be more struggles, more challenges in our lives. And well, October gave me a lot of that. I really struggled hard; from writing an apology letter to the person I hurt, to finally cutting ties with certain people... It was like I stepped on a broken glass and minuscule pieces got stuck in my feet. It felt so agonizing to the point I couldn't walk. It hindered me to move forward. I can see the constant bleeding, but I didn't have the strength to remove the remnants. Memory is a funny thing. It can make or break a person. All my free time were spent talking to the Lord and attending bible studies. I surrendered everything to Him. I trust His plans for me. It may be a rough ride but I believe that He is just preparing me for the BEST. I discovered my faith and love for Him were LIMITLESS. Then I woke up and it was a miracle... The shards of the past buried deep into my heart were gone and the wounds are finally healing.

November

Keep moving

I think I flew out every single weekend last November. Camsur, Baguio, La Union and Boracay. Most of them for work but it actually felt more like a vacation :) This month I realized I'm serious about moving. I'm not meant to stay here. I love my job and friends here but I really need to experience living and working in another country. I don't want to say when and where exactly because I know it can still change but I'm praying for God's guidance about this every single day. If it's His will, it will happen :)


December

Acceptance

This month, my favorite HS teacher passed away. I still can't believe it. I'm usually scared of going to wakes but Sir Joel was an exception. Heaven gained a selfless, loving, and a super funny angel. We will miss you, Sir. A death of someone close to your heart makes you realize how short life on earth is; that time shouldn't be wasted on reliving the past but embracing the present. 

I was so motivated to end 2014 with a bang so I treated every day like it was my last. December was my most productive month yet :) Sure, I didn't have enough sleep, I had a love-hate relationship with deadlines so I'm always tired but I always felt so fulfilled :) Also went to Cebu for a shoot! It was my first time to style an out of town shoot. I was so happy I got to do it and appreciative for the trust this magazine gave me. What an experience! And a few days ago, I went to La Union for a much-needed break/surftrip. I don't want to disclose what happened but let's just say God put me in a very erratic situation (culture shock?). Had to deal with difficult people but by God's grace, I survived! The Holy Spirit guided and protected me :) That trip was the perfect year-ender escape. 


This 2014, I found beauty in brokenness. After all these mishaps, I turned to God and He fixed me.

If I had a word for this year, it will be GRATEFULNESS. I'm so thankful for all the hard times that pushed me to become a better person, the travels that gave me exquisite elation, the blessings that became my security blanket, the workload that brought out the best in me, to my editors and the brands who believed in my capacity and gave me countless projects, the friends who held my hand all throughout this rollercoaster year, to my parents who continuously shower me with unconditional love, to my sisters in Christ who never fail to guide me, and to the King of Kings who removed all the bitterness in my heart and never left my side! Iba ka Lord! :D


I'm so excited for 2015! No new year's resolutions, just a heart filled with prayers that 2015 will be AMAZING :)

Salamat sa lahat ng bumuo ng 2014 ko!

3 comments:

  1. I love you Tracy!!! :) Praying that your 2015 will be better. Super proud with how you handled all these ngayong taon. Galing mo!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love you! :) Have a happy new year beb, 2015 can only get better! :)

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  3. You are a strong soul! Have a great 2015, trace!

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